I knew it was time when my ears perked up over a discussion last week regarding the use of Tape Worms as a weight loss option. Wait! Before you, my comrades in Desperation Nation start googling Tape Worms, I will tell you it is illegal in America, but like everything else, the internet can fulfill any dream. Mmmmm..Tape Worm today..skinny jeans tomorrow. Sign me up. I mean, so what if the larvae can disseminate out through the intestinal wall and end up growing worms in your brain? It is a treatable condition, rarely fatal they tell me. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bikini shop after the surgeon extracts the worms from my head. A minor neurological defict? Not worried, I’m a little goofy anyway, and who will notice? They’ll be too busy staring at my amazing shrinking ass!
Sigh. It’s time. I reached my goal weight ahead of schedule this year, I am proud to report. The madness begins at Halloween with bags and bags of chocolate, selected by me, no cheap stuff..( My friends warn me every year to buy candy I don’t like- yeah right. ) and ends around Easter. This year, I waddled early to the finish line at Valentine’s Day, yay me! I didn’t need a scale to tell me of my achievement either, as leaving the house with my pants unbuttoned and my underwear cutting off my circulation was award recognition enough. Pulling on my much abused stretch pants, I ran (jogged slowly) to the nearest diet center for a reality check.
Apparently, being excused from weighing in at the center is not negotiable..I tried. I bargained, promising to weigh in next week after a week of deprivation gave me the confidence . Nope, I was forced to haul myself up and on the scale, and despite removing most of my clothing, my watch, my earrings, contact lenses..the number was so shocking that I nearly lost consciousness. I flatly refused to have my “before” photo taken- much to the skinny counselor’s dismay. I explained I was rapidly cycling through the five stages of death, adapted to weight shock, Denial and bargaining already complete..I would let her know when I got to acceptance and if my hair looked good next week, I might consider the humiliating photo- but don’t hold your breath. I accepted the odd stare that seems to pop up most places I go these days and sat down with my new fit and fabulous coach to discuss all the food I can’t eat anymore.
After two days of severe calorie deprivation, and guzzling gallons of water, I am resigning myself to weeks of torture. I got myself into this mess, I’ll get myself out. The next birthday is the 5-0, and I would really like to put the spare tire back in the trunk of the car before then. I am going to do this…one way, or another.. I bet if I mixed the Tape Worm into some ice cream it would taste like Gummi Bears…